Had an epiphany when I woke up yesterday morning:
Q. Who was the most instrumental in defeating Christine O'Donnell?
A. It was the masturbators of Delaware.
Q. How do you figure that?
A. When they found out that she condemned masturbation,
they all took time out to go to the polls to vote against her.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
A Silver Lining on the Cloud of Outsourcing
Everybody is disconsolate over the dire straits of our economy. For more and more people it is next to impossible to pay the bills, to keep or to get a job, or to stay in their homes as the banks foreclose. An ever greater number of people are beginning to realize that the sunshine of better economic times is obscured by a sky covered with dark clouds. However, I do believe, now as much as ever, that you will find silver linings on the clouds if you look at them long enough.
One consolation coming from the outsourcing of our manufacturing is that now all cups, saucers and other dishes are real china because they are actually made in China.
One consolation coming from the outsourcing of our manufacturing is that now all cups, saucers and other dishes are real china because they are actually made in China.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Cashing in on Russian Roulette
A Wall Street bond trader woke up from a strange dream. In her dream, she had placed an ad online that said, "Let your wishes come true, come to the offices of TrueOp and find out how to make $50,000 a click. A good way to make the cash that will pay off your credit cards and give you the chance to support your loved ones in the way they deserve."
When the first candidate showed up, he was handed a gun and told to play Russian roulette, to spin the drum of the revolver. He was told that each click of the trigger would put fifty thousand dollars into his pocket, and he would know within a fraction of a second whether or not he had won.
"But what if the hammer hits the chamber with the bullet?" he asked. He was assured that this would never be a problem, because he could not lose. In the "unlikely" event that he lost, he would never know about it. And -- his survivors would receive a nice bonus after modest funeral expenses were deducted.
When the bond trader woke up, she was puzzled. The dream did not make sense -- who would say yes to such a primitive proposal? And what is more, how would the event's organizers get paid?
When she arrived at the office, she shared her dream with a trusted colleague. Her colleague, a champion trader, became quite excited. He told her that she had stumbled on a gold mine.
After a bit of brainstorming they came up with a way to cash in: They would enlist candidates in daredevil contests in which a big cash prize would be awarded after each successively more dangerous task. The challenges would become so dangerous that the contestants' odds for survival became negligible. Whenever a contender bit the dust, the traders got their bonuses.
How were the contests organized? If, for example, a daredevil were to sky-dive repeatedly into mountainous, rocky terrain , he would first be asked to sign a release in which he would acknowledge his awareness of the danger. Once the fearless challenger met his demise, he would be remembered for his outstanding courage.
As for the traders, they would earn regal revenue from multiple insurance policies written on the life of each contestant.
When the first candidate showed up, he was handed a gun and told to play Russian roulette, to spin the drum of the revolver. He was told that each click of the trigger would put fifty thousand dollars into his pocket, and he would know within a fraction of a second whether or not he had won.
"But what if the hammer hits the chamber with the bullet?" he asked. He was assured that this would never be a problem, because he could not lose. In the "unlikely" event that he lost, he would never know about it. And -- his survivors would receive a nice bonus after modest funeral expenses were deducted.
When the bond trader woke up, she was puzzled. The dream did not make sense -- who would say yes to such a primitive proposal? And what is more, how would the event's organizers get paid?
When she arrived at the office, she shared her dream with a trusted colleague. Her colleague, a champion trader, became quite excited. He told her that she had stumbled on a gold mine.
After a bit of brainstorming they came up with a way to cash in: They would enlist candidates in daredevil contests in which a big cash prize would be awarded after each successively more dangerous task. The challenges would become so dangerous that the contestants' odds for survival became negligible. Whenever a contender bit the dust, the traders got their bonuses.
How were the contests organized? If, for example, a daredevil were to sky-dive repeatedly into mountainous, rocky terrain , he would first be asked to sign a release in which he would acknowledge his awareness of the danger. Once the fearless challenger met his demise, he would be remembered for his outstanding courage.
As for the traders, they would earn regal revenue from multiple insurance policies written on the life of each contestant.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Businessdog
H. Should a dog who does his business on your lawn be recognized as a businessdog?
D. Yes, but as his business is not really welcomed I wonder if it is a serious proposal for a commercial transaction.
H. Don't you think it was not the dog but his master who initiated the bid for a reciprocal exchange?
D. Yes, so it might be proper to turn to the dog's master as the director of the dogs business activity for whatever steps to take next.
H. How would you go about it?
D. As the initial proposal was dropped on the lawn without the dog's or owner's contact information, some investigative work may be appropriate. You find out the dog's and owner's name and address and you take the next step.
H. Which is?
D. You take the product the dog left on the lawn, you gift wrap it , and drop it off at the owner's front door with the following note: "Your dog Chucky left the contents of this parcel on a lawn on our block. I take this as an invitation to begin a business relationship. The next time Chucky does his business on our lawn please leave a note suggesting how we should develop our relationship."
D. Yes, but as his business is not really welcomed I wonder if it is a serious proposal for a commercial transaction.
H. Don't you think it was not the dog but his master who initiated the bid for a reciprocal exchange?
D. Yes, so it might be proper to turn to the dog's master as the director of the dogs business activity for whatever steps to take next.
H. How would you go about it?
D. As the initial proposal was dropped on the lawn without the dog's or owner's contact information, some investigative work may be appropriate. You find out the dog's and owner's name and address and you take the next step.
H. Which is?
D. You take the product the dog left on the lawn, you gift wrap it , and drop it off at the owner's front door with the following note: "Your dog Chucky left the contents of this parcel on a lawn on our block. I take this as an invitation to begin a business relationship. The next time Chucky does his business on our lawn please leave a note suggesting how we should develop our relationship."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Past Life Regression Discovers Source of Phobia
A man residing somewhere in southern California had become tired of an ongoing phobia that showed up whenever it rained. The phobia struck whenever he came close to a mud puddle--he would get an unbearable anxiety attack in which he felt that the puddle might swallow him up at any given moment.
As the area around Los Angeles is generally not known for its abundant rainfall, he delayed seeing anyone for a long time until one day he went to see a hypnotherapist known for his keen ability to get to the core of a problem through time regression therapy.
After intensely scanning the man's life experiences all the way back to the moment of his birth without finding a clue, the hypnotist extended his search into the man's past lives. The therapist and the patient were about to give up when they stumbled upon a scene at a log cabin in the early nineteenth century old west: There he was, the man with the phobia, sitting no more than six months old in a wooden bathtub.
While the little tot in the tub was splashing around joyously, the door to the cabin opens, and the baby's father, all dirty and sweaty, comes and demands a bath right then and there. "Can you just wait until the baby is finished and then you can have a bath in his water?" asked Mom. "You don't expect a hard-working fella to sit down in that filthy sewage puddle, do you?" Dad replied. Fearing Dad's rising anger, Mom reassured him "You can have a clean bath in a minute," she gasped as she carried the tub through the cabin door and dumped its contents on a vegetable patch in the back yard.
Less than a second later, there were screams of panic from the baby and Mom and torrents of foul language coming from the Dad accusing Mom of intentionally having thrown the baby out with the bath water.
As the area around Los Angeles is generally not known for its abundant rainfall, he delayed seeing anyone for a long time until one day he went to see a hypnotherapist known for his keen ability to get to the core of a problem through time regression therapy.
After intensely scanning the man's life experiences all the way back to the moment of his birth without finding a clue, the hypnotist extended his search into the man's past lives. The therapist and the patient were about to give up when they stumbled upon a scene at a log cabin in the early nineteenth century old west: There he was, the man with the phobia, sitting no more than six months old in a wooden bathtub.
While the little tot in the tub was splashing around joyously, the door to the cabin opens, and the baby's father, all dirty and sweaty, comes and demands a bath right then and there. "Can you just wait until the baby is finished and then you can have a bath in his water?" asked Mom. "You don't expect a hard-working fella to sit down in that filthy sewage puddle, do you?" Dad replied. Fearing Dad's rising anger, Mom reassured him "You can have a clean bath in a minute," she gasped as she carried the tub through the cabin door and dumped its contents on a vegetable patch in the back yard.
Less than a second later, there were screams of panic from the baby and Mom and torrents of foul language coming from the Dad accusing Mom of intentionally having thrown the baby out with the bath water.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining--Even in China.
'Twas in the news today--A bridge collapsed in Shanghai because instead of using just steel and good concrete, the builders used garbage in the interior of beams and pillars. If there is any consistency to Chinese history, there will be heads that roll. Back in 07 the Chinese executed a director of their food and drug agency because he took a bribe to certify drugs that ended up killing people. So there is a good chance that those who cheated with the bridge construction will face the death penalty. So where is the silver lining? Executions in China have a life saving component: The organs of persons executed are harvested when the sentence has been carried out and people needing a replacement kidney or liver may get the organ needed to stay alive...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)